Sean C. Dunn, dubbed “Sandwich Guy” on social media, was acquitted on Thursday of misdemeanor assault after being tried for chucking a sub sandwich at a Customs and Border Protection officer in Washington, D.C.. This means the federal government arrested Dunn for throwing the sandwich, but then failed to get a grand jury to indict the defendant, so the government arrested him on virtually arbitrary misdemeanor charges, and now it has failed to convict him on that load of MAGA-fied nonsense.
Dunn is now 3 and 0 against the federal government. Maybe it’s the feds who are actually Dunn. (Please don’t block me.)
According to the New York Times, the not guilty verdict came in after jurors spent seven hours deliberating.
Seven hours.
What the hell were jurors even talking about for seven hours? I can only imagine it went something like:
Juror 1: “But we all saw him throw the sandwich. It was on camera.”
Juror 2: *tosses potato chip at Juror 1* “You wanna throw me in jail now?”
Then they spent the next 6 hours and 58 minutes playing charades and discussing their kids, because they had to at least make it look like they did some hard work to come to a decision.
From the Times:
It marked a significant setback for Jeanine Pirro, the U.S. attorney in Washington, who made Mr. Dunn’s case a centerpiece of Mr. Trump’s aggressive policing and prosecution strategy in the city. Washington residents have now twice rejected the government’s case against Mr. Dunn, after they refused to indict others caught up in the president’s crackdown.
The jury determined that the launching of the 12-inch deli sandwich from what the government described as “point-blank range” was not an attempt to cause bodily injury, preventing a conviction.
The only thing funnier than prosecutors even using the term “point-blank range” to describe a sandwich being tossed at an agent is that agent’s testimony earlier this week.
“I could feel it through my ballistic vest,” Border Patrol agent Gregory Lairmore said on the stand, adding that “it kind of exploded all over” and he “smelled the onions and the mustard” as the sandwich came apart.
This is according to transcripts, but I just like to imagine Lairmore gave his testimony really dramatically, with tears flowing and all.
The prosecution’s opening arguments were also hilarious, as they perfectly underscored how unserious this entire case was, while they tried their best to make it sound like an offense worth prosecuting.
More from the Times:
For much of the morning, jurors heard the lawyers cite principles more commonly heard in kindergartens than in law schools.
“No matter who you are, you can’t just go around throwing stuff at people because you’re mad,” John Parron, a government lawyer, said during his opening statement.
“That’s something you just can’t do,” he emphasized. Mr. Parron argued the food fight did indeed amount to interfering with law enforcement and was not an expression of Mr. Dunn’s First Amendment rights. Mr. Dunn took off running right after lobbing the sandwich, Mr. Parron said, showing that he knew “he had crossed a line.”
Yeah — I’m pretty sure he ran for the same reason kids run while playing ding-dong ditch. It’s just part of the prank.
Meanwhile, Dunn’s attorney, Sabrina Shroff, demonstrated for the court that even Lairmore and his colleagues failed to treat the incident with the seriousness that it definitely didn’t deserve.
She showed a photo of the sandwich intact on the ground and in a wrapper after Dunn threw it, challenging Lairmore’s assertion that it had “exploded” on his chest. Shroff also presented as evidence “gag gifts” that Lairmore received from colleagues, which included a “felony footlong” badge he kept on his lunchbox after the incident.
“If someone assaulted you — someone offended you — would you keep a memento of that assault?” she asked jurors. “Would you stick it on your daily lunchbox and carry it around with you?”
This entire trial could have been a sternly worded email.
What are we even doing here?
SEE ALSO:
Federal Grand Jury Won’t Indict DC Sandwich Thrower
Jury Selection Begins In Misdemeanor Trial Of The Subway Sandwich Hero
