Every few years, the United States government suddenly remembers that Cuba is dope and beautiful, and they react the way an insecure ex does when they see their former partner thriving on Instagram.
“Wait… why are they still there? And why do they seem fine?”
On Thursday, the self-proclaimed peace president said he wants to finish the war in Iran first, but then it “will be just a question of time before you and a lot of unbelievable people are going to be going back to Cuba.”
On Friday, Trump doubled down on his vague threats to Cuba, claiming that the Cuban government “is gonna fall pretty soon,” which, for anyone who has been reading the room, means that the United States is going to invade Cuba.
Meanwhile, Cuba is looking at America like:
(Insert 50 Cent Gif here)
Trump is using the map of the world the way a slumlord would look at tax liens on neighborhood houses: he’s using the weight of the United States armed forces to take over countries to build his real estate portfolio. Just look at his son-in-law’s plans for Gaza.
Cuba poses no threat to the U.S. If countries were members of Destiny’s Child, Cuba would very clearly be Michelle Williams, which is no offense to Michelle. Michelle is fly and clearly an integral part of the group, but Michelle ain’t bothering nobody.
Michelle wasn’t the loud one. She wasn’t the one flipping hair in the wind machine or stepping forward for the big runs. That was Beyoncé. Kelly Rowland got her moments, too. Meanwhile, Michelle was over there harmonizing, minding her business, occasionally hitting a note so high it startled everyone who forgot she was in the group.
That’s Cuba.
For more than 60 years, the United States has treated Cuba like it’s some kind of international supervillain plotting world domination from a beach chair in Havana. In reality, Cuba has mostly been vibing quietly, drinking rum, exporting doctors and cigars, and figuring out how to keep a country running while its neighbor 90 miles away keeps trying to trip it.
The U.S. embargo on Cuba began in 1960 under President Dwight Eisenhower and was expanded by John F. Kennedy in 1962 during the Cold War. The official logic was that Cuba’s communist government posed a threat to the Western Hemisphere.
Now, in fairness, there was that whole Cuban Missile Crisis thing. That was serious. Nobody is pretending that moment didn’t exist. But that was in 1962. TikTok was about six decades away.
For decades, the U.S. has blocked trade, limited travel, restricted banking, and tried just about every economic pressure tactic short of sending a passive-aggressive email. The expectation seemed to be that Cuba would eventually collapse or beg Washington for forgiveness.
Instead, Cuba basically shrugged and said, “Cool.”
That’s how Havana ended up looking like a vintage car museum that accidentally became a functioning city. Those classic Chevrolets, Buicks, and Fords from the 1950s weren’t a retro aesthetic choice. That was a necessity. When you cut a country off from modern trade, people get creative. Mechanics became engineers. Spare parts became art projects.
America tried to economically ghost Cuba, and Cuba responded by becoming the most stylishly stubborn nation on earth.
Imagine telling your neighbor they can’t shop at Target anymore, expecting them to crumble, and then watching them build a fully operational Walmart out of duct tape and vibes.
That’s basically the last six decades of U.S.–Cuba policy.
And the funniest part is that Cuba has spent most of that time not actually threatening anyone. Cuba isn’t invading countries. It’s not running around with aircraft carriers or building military bases around the world. In fact, one of Cuba’s biggest international exports has been doctors. The country sends medical teams to disaster zones and underserved nations worldwide.
Meanwhile, America treats Cuba like it’s one suspicious haircut away from launching a Bond-villain scheme. Which brings us to Donald Trump, who has been prepping Americans for a Cuba invasion.
It’s a strange target if you think about it.
The United States is a superpower with the largest military budget on Earth. Cuba has roughly the population of Ohio and an economy smaller than many U.S. cities. Picking a fight with Cuba is like prime Mike Tyson fighting Crip Mac.
And yet American politicians keep circling back to it, mostly because Cuba has long been political theater, especially in Florida. Being “tough on Cuba” became shorthand for proving you were tough on communism, even long after the Cold War ended and the Soviet Union turned into a historical documentary series.
But outside of those political rituals, Cuba mostly keeps doing what it’s always done: existing.
America keeps treating Cuba like it’s Beyoncé—an all-powerful force that must be contained before it steals the spotlight.
But Cuba is Michelle.
Michelle is not trying to take over the group. Michelle is not plotting a solo coup. Michelle is standing slightly behind the choreography line, hitting her harmonies, occasionally reminding everyone she has range.
And honestly? The group works better because she’s there.
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